Overly Simplified Explanations

Where Plants Come From

This is the story of a plant named Ann from Ikea. (Way to plant, Ann!)

Ann and i already had a talk earlier

about the birds and the bees

the bees

they pollinate plants like her

she needed to know where she came from

then the sun

well, it shines

so bright

and she takes that sun

and turns it into energy

are you getting this?

need a pic?

this one is a little confusing

mostly ‘cause i drew it backwards

so let me explain, see if you can follow along

first there is a mom plant

and a dad plant

they meet one day

in a field

have a few drinks

one thing leads to another

wait

no

that’s not how this works

lemme start over

first there is this bee, right?

um

it sees a plant

“pretty plant!!” said the bee

so then it goes and rubs it’s butt all over the plant’s flower

rude, i know

but what can you do

then it’s all like i’m spent, that was good times

and off it goes to another flower

rubs it’s butt again

you know what i just realized?

i have no idea how this all works

suffice to say somewhere between the drink in the field on that fateful day and that bee rubbing it’s ass all over everything a young Ann was born

are you getting this?

does it make sense?

well it’s not done yet, silly!!

so anyway

then one day some illegal alien comes and rips Ann outta the ground

and throws her on a truck

to this large blue building

filled with cheap people and even cheaper furniture

sounds pretty traumatizing

but it’s okay ‘cause the story has a happy ending!!

you see

these two nice girls come along

and they exchange a few dead presidents for Ann!!

18 of them to be exact

they stick her in a $3 pot

then they bring her home with them to their nice, new apartment with perfectly painted door frames!

this is where she lives

between the things that make the internet work

(that’s a story for another day though)

(also, sorry she got cut off, i ran out of drawing room…)

anyway

then she lives happily ever after!

well, for a least a few weeks

yeah

until she dies

done!

how to make beer

okay

well

when companies make wine and/or beer they often use gelatin

which is an animal by-product, i’m sure you know

hooves and bones and proteins and stuff

it’s used as a filter i think

let me sketch you a quick picture…

okay, so let me expain what’s happening here

here we have a happy cow!

please take note of the areas i’ve circled in red as they will be important in understanding the next image

okay so what’s happening here is that the cow is sad

sad, and dead

it’s a dead, sad cow

now

his bones and hooves were harvested from him

in order to makes gelatin

that’s circled in blue for you

i’m sorry, this is a woman cow

aren’t all cows ladies

i think they are

the males are bulls

the more you know

anyway

moving on

okay

so then

the hooves and bones go to the gelatin making factory

where they get turned into gelatin!!

through a special magic process

i’m not at liberty to discuss the details of how it all happened

okay

now this one is kinda complicated

so first you get some water

and then you add some malt

then you have a mash

then you add the hops

and ferment this in a copper tank

then you add more hops or something like that

then you chill it

then you add the activated yeast

let that ferment

then you bottle it and you have beer!

now

you may be asking yourself where does the gelatin come in to play here?

and that’s a very good question

that i don’t know the answer to

i looked

can’t find it

so

let’s just say somewhere between the part where you start with water and the part where you put it in bottles they use it

hence the large yellow gelatin circle question mark

um

and then we drink it

questions?